Saturday, 14 February 2015

Valentines Day: When someone loves you but you dont love yourself...

Valentines Day 2015
Happy Valentines day everyone... Everywhere Iv looked for the past few weeks its been Love! Love! Love! So what better thing to blog about on this very sweetest and loveliest of days. 

Its been almost a year since my last blog entry about health and lifestyle....truth is the moment I stopped blogging I started to gain all the weight I had so desperately tried to loose. Only now do I realise that blogging was sort of therapy for me.

Eating in the kitchen when I think my other half cannot hear me or see me...moments like this make me realise that what I have is an illness...Eating so much I feel sick but continuing anyway.... Eating so much Iv had to buy bigger clothes for the first time in years.... Eating three meals out in the same day then lying about it to the ones I love...

Many of you may be very sceptical about the term 'food addiction' but why else would an intelligent person eat her weight in food each day even though she is fully aware of the harm she does to her body?! A person can become addicted to drugs, alcohol, certain acts so why not to food.....!? I am not saying it started this way, i fully believe that my bad eating habits as a child have effected me for life even into adult-hood where i am capable of making my own decisions BUT I honestly think once you overstep a certain mark its extremely difficult to turn back.

I know Andrew loves me (we've been together almost 5 years) . Yes he loves me but my own demons tell me otherwise... my issues with the way I look tell me the reason he turned me down the other week was not because he was tired but because he finds me gross as Iv gained so much weight. Then the following morning I think about the situation rationally and remember he loves me for me and has never said or done anything to make me feel otherwise.... this guy loves me fat pants or not!

The fact is.... all other aspects of my life are in order. I am in a loving relationship with a guy I feel blessed with everyday (not only my soul mate but also my best friend). Iv worked hard over the past  years to be totally debt free, so relieved to have that burden shifted. Currently I do a job that I love which makes full use of my University Degree, I often have to remind myself of how blessed I really am.

Millions of woman struggle every day with feelings like this (many of whom are probably on my Facebook page) but similar to my own situation each year is the same.... I WILL lose weight, I WILL get healthier, I WILL do it for ME. I often think if I'd had no friends when I was younger, no partner now I would have felt sad enough to seriously fight the bulge for good! Thankfully (I think) that wasn't my lie.. I was popular at school, had (and still have) some amazing friends and was lucky enough to fall in love at 21 with funniest guy I know... I have seen the world, done amazing things and not let my weight hold me back at al.

I must remind myself (and others) that life was sometimes worse  (weight wise ofcourse)... I used to weigh 21.5stone and I would be devastated if life ever got to that stage again.... something needs to happen and fast. I hope that in finding my 'blogging mojo' again things will change. I have done it once and can do it again. 

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